pijn in plezier

It was 4:30 am when Ruth awoke. Rain consumed her ear drums, the roof was leaking like ants marching one-by-one. Solitude and loneliness were the first friends to greet her. Each morning seemed harder than the first. He had been dead for 6 years, 3 months, 24 days, 18 hours, and 41 minutes. He was not coming back. She slipped out of bed and into his robe. Yesterday was the last time she wore the robe. Today she promised would be the last. The creeks of the floor boards acknowledged her sad shuffle. Like the day before, the kitchen was 15 steps, 15 steps to the first feelings of being alive. This was the hardest part of her solemn mornings. The daily battle between when her eyes open and the next time they would close. As she grasped he coffee cup it was understood she would never come to. Tears began to well, the darkness of the kitchen blurred. As her back collapsed into the wall the tears fell. Her body convulsed and once again like the days, weeks, and years before, she would find her naked body concealed by his robe alone on the dusty kitchen floor. This morning was different, the pain was like nothing she had ever felt. Was this what her life was to be? Ravened and destroyed were her innards. The ulcers hugged her daily. He was never coming back. Who would find her. Would it be eventually or would it be sudden. No children no family. The only thing that stood between her and the gates was that Jade plant. The one thing that stopped her every day. Starring from the floor to the dark rainy windowsill she could make out the silhouette of her Jade. His Jade, their Jade. Pulling her self to the window she starred into her asylum. The soft green attitude calmed her racing heart. The tears still fell, but she wasn't as manic. This Jade took her edge off. But it would never truly save her. She could see him in the windowpane, his face was so soft, how she ached to feel that skin. Hold his warmth. To have passion. Her widowed hands squeezed that bright orange pot. She was found, he was lost. It would be several hours until this, but she knew it was coming. The dusty floorboards creaked in encouragement. Pushing her and that Jade further and further. She sat on the edge of their bed with the plant in lap. Fumbling through the drawer in the rainy darkness she found what she was looking for. Out of the six gadgets it possessed she had chosen her sanctuary long ago. A light flick of her calloused fingers her decision glistened in the dreary moon light. As she began to selfishly prune the tears stopped. The cool trickle of life was found with in. She had lunch with Rita today, Rita had a key. She was found. As the last bit of pruning was coming to a close so did her eyes. She laid back into their bed and awaited the gates. Rita would later call to cancel their lunch plans. Ruth would not be found for days. The rain never stopped.