Barf.

I feel sick. I just feel rotten inside. My hands are clammy, my forehead is the same, and my stomach is a million miles an hour. Apprehensive and scared. Its all about to happen, its like August all over again. I awake and soon it comes. Nervous, bored, and all around confused. Another day of dulling the pain, of ignoring the dreams. Its not that I pity my self, I think its the lonesome crowded west for lack there of a better term,that is taking over. My visit to Boise was a good experience however a lot surfaced for me. Friends, family, mistakes, short comings, achievements soon to be lost, and most of all addiction. A whirlwind of feelings, entering me in the most dizzying fashion. And in an instant I am back in LA. The week flew by and here we go again. I tell my self over and over to get aggressive and meet people and at the least to make an effort to live. But right after I awake it sets in. The sickness the debilitating pain that tweaks my nerves and rattles my bones. It cant all be bad? Can it? Who cares move on, chin and chest up, face the fucking day. Its not that easy. I know one thing is for sure that I took from Boise. My life with women. My entire life the closest person to me has been my sister. I feel like we hit a riff at some point however the admiration and appreciation is still there. The communication is different. I think of the other women in my life I have always tried to be a foundation and figure of support. I go for a while and at some point I back out. Only to reveal that my figurative foundation rotted away long ago. In many cases with women of my life/past I have ran as hard as I could away from them. For some I felt guilt and for others I felt no remorse. I had made an effort with a woman to keep some sort of friendship intact. We both agreed that we didn't want to walk away from what we had as only physical and that we should hold on to the attraction that brought us together in the first place and build with it. This is all falling through. It became one sided. Very little effort on her part to combat my honest effort to keep in touch. I think a lot has to do with her honesty in the situation. She may have a busy life, but you can feel it when someone drops you from their thoughts. I guess the most frustrating part is I have tried to keep this woman from becoming the figurative notch in my belt. I guess what frustrates me most, is I really tried to be myself with her. I let her in. I really let her in past my walls. I guess I am scared that what she saw was ugly and that's why she runs. So fun how life works its lessons. I can think of several moments of lying to my self to support a mental image that looks better than how I feel. It always catches up. I want to be great in life the first step is feeling that way. Its the old practice what you preach. Every morning I stand on my balcony 25 stories above LA and look out. Day by day I stand closer and closer to the edge. Its been a process to even step out there. My fear of heights shines through my eyeballs. Its a nauseating feeling looking over the edge and thinking about your stomach meeting your throat as you fall. No one has ever been killed by jumping off a building. Its the sudden impact that kills you. That is when I head inside. Too much gloom and doom. Another side of my life has been a story. This has surfaced a lot over the month of October. Through acting exercises I was repeatedly force to become comfortable and show myself. It was a very weird feeling. As long as I can remember I have always been on the move. Searching for people to befriend and families to live through. I can vividly remember accepting my plans for my self. To be anyone and anything. There was nothing I could not do or be. I feel that this is still true, only if you live this way you start to surround yourself with people who see through it. You must actually be this inside. You can fool the foolish but will never be praised by the inspiration that you strive to be. Life is about to take off or so I am told. I am ready to run, really I want to be productive. I am scared. I have cancer.